The Opening Lines

Welcome to our  blog on critiques and critiquing. In our last blog we looked at some of the reasons for having a critique partner or group. This time around we’re going to look at how a critique partner can help you get off to the right start on your story and how you can help your critique partners get off to a lively beginning.

They say that the opening paragraph, whether it be one word, one sentence, or one paragraph is the most important part of the novel. Why is this so?  What do those few words do?

First and foremost those opening lines need to grab the reader’s attention. Often people standing at a book stand or in a book store might read the back cover, but they also look at the opening page – the opening line.

I knew opening that red door would destroy my life. This is how mystery author Harlan Coben begins his bestseller, Caught.

Benita Sanchez was almost as afraid of running into a rattlesnake as she was U.S. Customs and Border Protection. That is the beginning of bestselling author, Brenda Novak’s romantic suspense book, Body Heat.

In both these cases, you want to keep on reading. You want to find out what is behind that red door and you want to find out what happens to Benita and whether she encounters that snake or the border patrol.

What else can those opening lines do?          

•     set the genre

•     tell the reader the tone of the book, happy, sad, a mystery, an action story, etc...

•     convey your voice - an invisible thing that the reader will either love or close the book in haste saying, “oh, that’s not what I like to read.”

•    set the time and setting of the story

•     introduce the main character

•    bring forward  the problem

But who is this mysterious “they” we mentioned at the beginning?  

At the far end of the “they”  is the agent, the editor or  the publisher. 

At the other  end of the “they” is  your critique group.

As a fresh set of eyes they can provide help for your opening paragraphs. They can let you know whether the beginning grabs them or leaves them cold. They can provide ideas for sharpening the beginning or making it a real grabber.

Because these are people who often read your work they can also tell you whether or not you’re staying true to your voice, or they can give you an idea for a better beginning that stays true to your voice.  

In this critique piece we will concentrate on eliminating or changing some of the more “ordinary” words while making the action move faster.

ORIGINAL (word count 229)

            The soup hung in the air, suspended, before finally falling in to the man’s lap. There was a long moment of silence, and then, with a gasp, Mr. Quintana jumped to his feet.

            “I’m so sorry, Mr. Quintana.” Beth couldn’t summon the strength to look up into his face. So, instead, she continued to look at the soup that was staining his classic Armani suit.

            “Beth! Mr. Quintana!” Larry, the manager of the restaurant, rushed up to the table. “What’s happened here?” His eyes dropped to the growing stain on Mr. Quintana’s suit and then immediately went to the empty bowl that Beth still held in her hand. He glanced up to her red face and his eyes grew hard with accusation. “Beth, how many times...”

            I will have to change my clothes. Please seat Mr. Carkner when he arrives and tell him I was called away. I will be back in a few minutes.” the owner’s voice was now more contained and precise. Its usual tone gave Beth the shivers.

            “Yes, of course, sir.” Larry had on his usual obsequious look that also gave Beth the shivers.

            The owner of the five-star-hotel and the restaurant that Beth worked at, turned and started to walk away. Suddenly, he stopped and turned back to the two people standing by the white-clothed table.

            “Oh, and, Larry...fire her.”

CRITIQUE  (Sue’s thoughts are in RED and Becky’s are in BLUE)

            The soup hung in the air, so at first we thought this might be a sci-fi story, suspended (I like the idea of the soup seeming to hang or be suspended since they convey that split instant when time seems to stand still, but both mean the same thing, so I’d suggest using one or the other), before finally don’t need this word, as it slows the action falling need a better word...something with more action involved...maybe tumbled, plunged, dove, etc in -should be on) to the man’s lap.

            Start a new paragraph.

            There was a long moment of silence, and then, with a gasp, Mr.Why not use his first name here? Quintana jumped to his feet. Gasp is a minor word ...I would think, if he is to be the hero in this story, he would use a more forceful expression

            “I’m so sorry, Mr. Quintana.” Beth couldn’t summon the strength-word choice, it’s not her strength that has her looking away but rather her embarrassment, maybe say nerve- to look up into his-delete and add the restaurant owner’s face.why? was she embarrassed, ashamed..how did she feel, what is on her face. her motions, did she jump back? need some physical action.. (had she ever done this before? Is she afraid she’s going to lose her job?).So, instead, she continued to look stare at the (color?)soup that was stained his classic-word choice I’d give this another color since when you think of Armani you think classic but think of  cream of mushroom soup on a black suit or tomato soup on a gray suit) Armani suit. nice...we now know he wears expensive clothes so he is probably rich. It’s always important to say “good” things in a critique along with the suggestions

            “Beth! Mr. Quintana!” Larry, the manager of the restaurant, rushed up-delete, not necessary to the table. Since he has a name we might want to know just a bit about how he looks...fat, short, etc.“What’s happened here?” His eyes dropped to the growing stain on Mr. Quintana’s suit and then immediately went to the empty bowl that (take out the “that”...it’s not needed)Beth still held in her hand. maybe a word or two about her..is her hand shaking? He glanced up to her red face and his eyes grew hard with accusation. “Beth, how many times...” how does his voice sound?

            (is this the only reaction the owner of the restaurant will have to having one of his waitresses dump soup on him? And if he is the owner, wouldn’t that make it all the worse for Beth? We need to establish who Mr. Quintana is earlier and then I’d like to know the look on his face here, disgust? Does he entirely ignore her and turn to Larry?)

            “I will most men will use a contraction here...I’ll have to change my clothes. Please I would take out the please...make him with more authority seat Mr. Carkner when he arrives. and get rid of the and...make his sentences shorter tell him I was called away. I will (I’ll) be back in a few minutes.” The owner’s okay...big jump here.. how do we know he is the owner...Larry, up above should have said something. voice (was now more contained and...this is not needed) precise.

            Its usual tone gave Beth the shivers. how about... Beth shivered. (is he using his usual tone? Or is he angry and it frightens her even more?)

            “Yes, of course, sir.” Larry had on his usual obsequious (big word...will everyone know what this means?) look that also gave Beth the shivers. (well we already know she has the shivers.. so either the shivers got much, much worse or another emotion came into play)

            The owner (I think using his name here is better) of the five-star-hotel and the restaurant that Beth worked at, (turned and started to walk away. let’s make it simple...and simply use “stood” as this way you don’t have to use “turned” twice.)  Suddenly, he stopped and turned-I’d use a stronger verb here, maybe whirled back to the two people standing by the white-clothed table.

            “Oh, and, Larry...fire her.” Nice...

            Very nice hook to end the scene

REVISED (word count 193) See if you think it moves along better...

                The soup hung in the air before landing on the man’s lap.

            There was a long moment of silence, and then, with a gruff curse, Juan Quintana, the owner of the five-star hotel, leaped to his feet.

            “I’m so sorry, Mr. Quintana.” Beth, who had just attempted to serve the soup, cringed as the cream of mushroom soup stain spread across his dark gray Armani suit. How could she be so clumsy? Was this going to cost her this waitress job? 

            “Beth! Mr. Quintana!” Larry, the manager of the restaurant, rushed to the table, his thin face a mask of worry. “What’s happened here?” He took in the growing stain on Mr. Quintana’s pants and the empty bowl Beth still held in her shaking hand. 

            “Beth, how many times...”

            She fumbled with the soup bowl and began cleaning the table.

            “I’ll have to change my clothes. Seat my guest when he arrives. Tell him I’ll be back in a few minutes.”  

            “Yes, of course, sir.” 

             The owner’s authoritarian tone gave Beth the shivers, but Larry's barely disguised anger sent waves of fear rushing through her.

            Juan started for the door. Suddenly, he stopped and whirled back to the two people standing by the white-clothed table.

            “Oh, and, Larry...fire her.”

*****

See the difference? The new version is tighter and moves more quickly. A good critique should help you change your story for the better. Even if all it does is give you more to think about, it can help you to eliminate extra words or to perhaps search for better and a more meaningful way of saying something.

We hope this month's exercise in critiquing has been helpful. We'll continue to look at the critique process and we'll be critiquing a new piece next month.  If you have a few paragraphs you'd like to have us critique or if you have questions about critiques or critique partners, please send them to us at writethatnovel@gmail.com.

And as always, we welcome any sort of comments on our blog.

Sue and Becky

The Importance of Critiquing

When we first considered the idea of doing a regular blog we knew we wanted to present something special and unique, hopefully a blog unlike what others were doing. Because we enjoy working with writers so much we wanted to provide a blog that would do more than simply inform or promote our books and writing tools, it should help writers on a regular basis.

To do that, we went back to something that is near and dear to both of us—the art of critiquing and being a good critique partner. Our writing friendship began as a result of weekly meetings over breakfast with several others, reading each other’s works and critiquing them and eventually evolved into a working/writing partnership that included writing a non-fiction writing book, giving lectures, and teaching online classes.

Back in those days when we were doing regular weekly critiques, there were four of us and we found as we went along that each of us provided something a little different to the others. While one was a stickler for details such as “he’s standing up now, when did that happen?” Another thrived on ways to use emotion to build motivation and conflict and always had suggestions for writing emotions and improving conflict. Another was good at copy editing and we all provided different ideas when we wanted to brainstorm. As a result of our critiques, our writing became stronger for all of us.

We’ll look at what goes into becoming good critique partners in future discussions but the benefits of critique grew as the two of us began teaching classes on a regular basis. We have often heard from our students that they were helped by our critiques of their class writing assignments. Aspiring writers enjoy having others look at their work and getting suggestions. As a result, when we considered what sort of a blog we wanted to do, the entire concept of critiquing was a simple decision.  In our blog we will look at some of the basics of critique and, most important we will provide critiques for writers who want their work examined.

 In our last newsletter we called for submissions to critique and we received several we will use in future blogs.

Why critique?

The critique process can seem frightening to someone who has never participated in it.

•   What do I want to accomplish by letting someone else see what I have written?

•   How will others view my writing?

•   What if I don’t agree with what they say?

But there are some very good things that can happen. There are two types of critiquing that a group or a partner can help you with. 

•   simple editing

•   overall editing

Simple editing consists of editing assistance. For instance a fresh pair of eyes can spot those typos you might have missed or that spell check misunderstood. Their instead of there or it’s instead of its may not get picked up by your word processing program. Sometimes it pays to have someone else do your copy editing. It may be as simple as leaving off quotation marks or marking paragraphs wrong, but this can go a long way toward helping you turn in a clean manuscript. Proper grammar, comma placement, these are tiny elements, but a good editor is going to pick them up and may not want to buy a manuscript that needs a lot of work.

Some critique partners don’t provide that, which is why it’s good to have more than one person look at your work. You’ll find, as we did, that some are gifted in different ways.

Overall editing consists is much more complex and involves the entire work. We prefer to offer overall critiques and editing because these can be most helpful to writers. That includes:

•   looking at the overall style of the writing

•   looking at the “meaning” of the words or phrases/word choices

•   watching for the choreography of the characters

•   watching for dialogue vs description

•   watching for sentence flow and clarity

•   looking at the overall pacing of the story

Overall critiquing should provide a view of the story that helps the author and yet doesn’t change the writer’s intent or change the voice of the writer. Critiques should also be taken by the writer with an eye toward improvement, but not as a final judge. The writer needs to make the final decision on how much of the critique to accept and use.

There are several other reasons to have a critique partner or group.

•   Brainstorming – a critique partner might also be able to help you when you think you know what you want to say, but it doesn’t come out on paper. A second opinion might help you with word choice or an awkward sentence.

•   Deadline – Having a regular critique partner or group might also help you stay on track with your output. Knowing you’re expected to produce so many pages a week or every other week can help to keep you moving along.

•   Variation – As we discovered different people are going to pick up on different things. Having several people look at your work will provide a good way to get a cross section of ideas. Remember, you will have lots of readers who will also be looking at your writing in different ways.

In general, any kind of critiquing can improve your writing. Critiquing someone else's work can also help your own writing. In spotting things other writers do, you might realize you're doing the same thing.

These are just some of the different ways that a good critique partner or partners can help you and how critiquing can improve your own work.  In coming blogs we’ll continue to explore the world of critiquing, how to do it, how to find what works best for you and we’ll do some critiquing of our own.

Now, let’s get to that critique! As we mentioned earlier, last month in our newsletter we asked for our readers to send in an opening scene and we both have done a critique on it. Sue’s comments are in CAPS, Becky’s in italic. This will show why it pays to have more than one person look at your work. We don’t always agree on what will make a scene work. But we both do agree that the key is to look for ways to improve, rather than to turn only a negative eye on the work.

Original Version:

“Here you go, Mr. Capella,” Aubrey Harris delivered the plate of steaming food with what she hoped was a happy tone.

            “This not what I ordered,” the old man pronounced in his broken English.

            Aubrey closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Mr. Capella, you do this to me every night. You told me you wanted the special. It’s Tuesday, so it’s meatloaf, potatoes, and green beans. That’s the special. Now eat.” She tucked her shoulder length strawberry blonde hair behind her ears.

            “This do you to give me trouble.”

            “I do no such thing and you know it,” Aubrey said as she placed her hands on her hips. Her blue eyes went darker. “So you can just stop right there mister. I don’t have the time to fight with you tonight.”

            “What special about tonight?” Alberto Capella asked.

            Aubrey gave a sly smile to her favorite customer. “I have a date with a very nice young man, if you must know.”

            Alberto Capella‘s face dropped into a scowl. “Che cazzo fai? You need meet my nephew. He take care of you.”

            “First of all, I don’t speak Italian but I’m assuming you didn’t just swear at me. Second of all, I don’t need anyone to take care of me Mr. Capella. I’m twenty five, almost twenty six. So you can stop bringing up your nephew.” Aubrey paused. “Besides, I thought you didn’t like your family.”

            The old man ignored the jibe. “Bah, you still a child. Need man. If I could lose twenty years, I do.”

            “I think it would need to be more like forty years,” Aubrey smiled at him as she put down his bill and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Now eat Mr. Capella.” With those motherly words, she rose back up.

            “You wound my heart.” Alberto bellowed as he touched his chest.

            Aubrey’s eyebrow went up. “I’m sure you’ll live.” She turned to head back to the kitchen of the Box Car Diner, then turned and walked backwards a few steps. “Oh hey, before I forget. I have a new cake recipe I want you to taste. Don’t leave without trying it, ok?”

            “Yeah, yeah,” Alberto complained with a wave of his fork. “First you wound, then you feed. Just like woman.”

            Aubrey gave a small snort as she turned and hurried to the kitchen to check on her other two orders. It was a slow night at the diner and her shift was almost up.

            “How’s it looking Tony? Anything up?” Aubrey stood behind the owner Tony Smith, trying to look at the food still cooking.

            “Don’t rush greatness girl,” he replied.

            “Greatness? Really?” Tony gave her a mock scowl. “Fine. I’ll be back in a minute.” Aubrey went to the refrigerator and got out one of the few cupcakes she had left. 

            Just then, the back door slammed shut. “Dang it’s cold out there,” a woman announced to no one in particular. “I’d say fall is coming sooner than later.”

            “Hi Brenna,” Aubrey smiled at her friend. “You’re right on time.”

Our Critique:

SUE’S THOUGHTS AND CRITIQUE ARE IN CAPS.   OVERALL COMMENTS... NOT BAD WRITING, BUT THE SCENE IS DISAPPOINTING BECAUSE NOTHING REALLY HAPPENS.  LOTS OF TELLING AND NOT MUCH SHOWING. BUT THE SETTING IS GOOD, WE HAVE LEARNED MANY THINGS ABOUT AUBREY BUT WHERE IS THE ACTION, THE PROBLEM THAT IS GOING TO TURN HER LIFE AROUND...SOMETHING MUST HAPPEN THAT WILL KEEP THE READER TURNING THE PAGES... SO FAR I AM PRETTY BORED.

Becky’s comments are in italics: Actually I like her short scene with Mr. Capella. It sets up a possible love interest for her. Sue says it lacks tension, and I agree. I think you could add that with just a couple of lines. We find out Aubrey is getting ready for a date. How about if she is feeling a little anxious as she starts out? Is this someone new someone special? Give us some anxiety.

            “Here you go, Mr. Capella,” Aubrey Harris delivered the plate of steaming food, a forced smile on her face. (now we know how she feels and how she appears.) She checked her watch for the fifth time in the past hour. Would this shift never end? (ha! Now we now she’s feeling antsy)  AUTHOR IS TELLING US HOW AUBREY FEELS INSTEAD OF SHOWING US.. PERHAPS A SMILE ON HER FACE WOULD SHOW US THE SAME THING.

            “This not what I ordered,” the old man pronounced in his broken English. OKAY, HE USED BROKEN ENGLISH, YET WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THE PAGE IS PERFECT ENGLISH. HE NEEDS TO MORE ANNOYED.  PERHAPS HE MIGHT SAY:

            “WHAT THIS? I NO ORDERED THIS?” AN ANGRY VOICE FROM A WEATHERED FACE FORCED AUBREY TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

             “Mr. Capella, you do this  WE KNOW HE IS SPEAKING TO HER SO WE DON’T NEED THE “TO ME” every night. You told me you wanted the special. It’s Tuesday, so it’s meatloaf, potatoes, and green beans. That’s the special. Now eat.” She tucked her shoulder length strawberry blonde hair behind her ear. (did she do it to both sides of her head? Or just one? which side?)

             “You...trouble. To me.” DOES HE WAVE HIS FORK AROUND IN THE AIR AS HE TALKS?  IF HE IS OLD, DOES HE HAVE HIS NAPKIN TUCKED IN UNDER HIS CHIN?

            “I do no such thing and you know it,” Aubrey said as she placed her hands on her hips. Her blue eyes went darker. (are we in her point of view here? Because if we are, who is seeing her eyes grow darker) “So you can just stop right there, mister. I don’t have the time to fight with you tonight.” HOW DID HER VOICE SOUND? WHAT IS ON HER FACE? 

            “What special about tonight?”  WE DON’T NEED THIS TAG AS WE KNOW WHO SHE IS TALKING TO... (how does he look here? Up to now, he’s sounded contrary, so now we need to see him become a sweet old uncle type and he’s going to be scowling again in a minute so we need to see him give her a fatherly grin or something) .

            Aubrey gave a sly smile to her favorite customer. “I have a date with a very nice young man, if you must know.”

            Alberto Capella‘s face dropped into a scowl. good “Che cazzo fai? You need meet my nephew. He take care of you.”

            “First of all, I don’t speak Italian but I’m assuming you didn’t just swear at me. Second of all, I don’t need anyone to take care of me, Mr. Capella. I’m twenty five, almost twenty six. So you can stop bringing up your nephew.” Aubrey paused. “Besides, I thought you didn’t like your family.”

            The old man ignored the jibe. “Bah, you still a child. Need man. If I could lose twenty years, I do.” HOWEVER STILL NOT MUCH IS HAPPENING...ALTHOUGH WE DO GET THE HINT THAT THE HERO OF THIS STORY WILL BE THE NEPHEW... GRIN.

            “I think it would need to be more like forty years.” Aubrey smiled at him as she put down his bill and  gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Now eat, Mr. Capella.” With those motherly WC.  PERHAPS ANOTHER WORD...THIS MAKES HER SOUND OLD...words, she went back into the kitchen... DELETE DOWN TO BOX CAR DINER (actually I like this next part. I like his bellowing).

“You wound my heart.” Alberto bellowed as he touched his chest.

            Aubrey’s eyebrow went up. “I’m sure you’ll live.” She turned to head back to the kitchen of the Box Car Diner, then turned and walked backwards a few steps. “Oh hey, before I forget. I have a new cake recipe I want you to taste. Don’t leave without trying it, ok?”

            “Yeah, yeah,” Alberto complained with a wave of his fork. “First you wound, then you feed. Just like woman.”

            Aubrey gave a small snort as she turned and hurried to the kitchen  ALTHOUGH THIS IS “NICE” IT STILL DOESN’T GIVE US ANY ACTION... OR REASON FOR THE STORY TO START AND SLOWS DOWN THE READER WHO IS TRYING TO READ FASTER TO FIND OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM IS GOING TO BE...

to check on her other two orders. It was a slow night at the diner and her shift was almost up. She checked her watch again. ??? minutes until she got off  (show  us how much longer she has to go instead of giving us a vague idea. Making it precise again shows her excitement)

            “How’s it looking Tony? Anything up?” Aubrey stood behind the owner Tony Smith, trying to look  EITHER YOU LOOK AT THE FOOD OR YOU DON’T... YOU CAN’T TRY.... THAT’S LIKE YODA IN STAR WARS WHEN HE SAYS, “TRY NOT. DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY”....at the food still cooking.

            “Don’t rush greatness, girl,” he replied.

            “Greatness? Really?”  IF THIS IS HER SPEAKING THEN THE NEXT SECTION NEEDS TO BE IN A PARAGRAPH BY ITSELF.

            Tony gave her a mock scowl. “Fine. I’ll be back in a minute.” AND WHERE DOES HE GO?  HE JUST LEAVES THE STUFF ON THE STOVE COOKING? SEEMS STRANGE.

            Aubrey went to the refrigerator and got out one of the few cupcakes she had left. 

             The back door slammed shut,  “Dang it’s cold out there,”  (if this is her friend, just say it, rather than making it sound like she is a stranger) Brenna announced to no one in particular. “I’d say fall is coming sooner than later.”

            “Hi, Brenna,” Aubrey smiled at her friend, relieved that her replacement had arrived. “You’re right on time.”

OKAY... WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED... THEY ARE ITALIAN (I THINK) IN A RESTAURANT, SHE IS A WAITRESS, 25 YEARS OLD AND THE COOK HAS LEFT AND A WOMAN COMES IN.... BORING.....

ONCE AGAIN IT SETS THE SCENE BUT NOTHING HAPPENS...

IS SHE BORED, UNHAPPY, DISSATISFIED WITH HER LIFE?

DOES SHE CRAVE A MAN, SEX, ANOTHER WAY OF LIFE?

THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL “STUFF” COMING OUT OF HER MIND, WE, THE READER, HAVE NO CLUE AS TO WHAT SHE IS EMOTIONALLY. 

One way to add some tension is to have her worrying about this upcoming date. Give her some emotions rather than just going through the motion.

I like her interplay with her customer, which then makes me like her. We can tell he’s crochety, but we also see that she is patient with him, even though she is in a rush..

Thank you to our student who sent this in. Your free chart is on its way to you. We hope we have given you some constructive ideas for improving your story.

Next month we will critique another scene. If you have a scene you would like critiqued, please send in a scene of up to 250 words and we will critique it for you. If we use it on our blog we will send you one of our story board charts with the Plotting Wheel.

Send your scene to writethatnovel@gmail.com. We invite you to visit our website, http://www.writethatnovel.com/ for more writing tips and we invite you to leave any comments or questions for us on the blog. Also, we hope you’ll join us next week as we start a month long class on The Plotting Wheel at Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal RWA chapter. You can sign up at http://www.romance-ffp.com/