Unfortunately, our poor brains glance through and overlook all the was’s, saids, shes and hes. We’re not even aware of the repeated sentences, the repetitious patterns, the over use of simple words such as “all” or “just” or even “always” and of course we don’t see any of the contractions because they aren’t there. There is something in our brains that when we are writing, we think “He’ll” or “couldn’t” but when those fingers are on the keyboard the words come out “he will” or “could not”...
But one of the biggest problems we face is the overwhelming desire to let the reader know the background of our main characters. We have a tendency to put way to much information in the first few pages...we call it an “info dump” where in the writer feels compelled to fill in the reader on all sorts of things that happened in the character’s past
These info dumps are somewhat like garbage dumps, they contain all sorts of stuff that is not really needed. In this month’s critique the writer, who really wants us to know about the main character’s family has tossed in all sorts of unnecessary names and facts. And way too many names... for in these few paragraphs the writer has introduced seven people.
We strongly believe that the first few chapters of any story should get the plot moving even as it introduces the main character. Seasoned writers know that it takes a chapter or two for the reader to get acquainted with the protagonist and learn to come to grips with the story line. The reader has to be able to get into the character’s shoes so to speak, to have empathy with him or her, to feel their pain, their desire to solve the mystery or to fix whatever problem the character faces. Readers don’t want to go along for the story-ride with a character they don’t care about or like.
This is where a good critique group or partner can help you out. Having your precious words seen by a fresh pair of eyes so these problems can be caught and either changed or corrected or even edited out can tremendously help your work and get it ready for publication. Having a critique partner you can trust is important. The longer you work with a person, the more likely it is that your partner or group will get to know your problem areas and look for them. They’ll know how you often you might overuse a word or misspell something. They’ll recognize when you get into a certain pattern that needs to be fixed. And just by giving you that feedback they can help you prepare for next time. If they see the forest as well as the trees, maybe they can help you see them both next time too.
The following scene was sent in to us with the following information.
This is a total rewrite of a mystery story about a kidnapped I finished several months ago. I need someone to look it over with “fresh eyes” and give me their professional thoughts. Chapter ONE
Amy struggled to keep her foot from tapping the gas harder. Today’s weather rocked. Blue sky the type of blue that hurt your eyes it was so bright. The air was fresh and the temperature hovered in the low eighties.
One of the weather forecasters predicted rain tonight into the early morning. Amy hoped it didn’t affect her flight. The trees and flowers of Hawaii absorbed the gentle rains and grew everywhere with ease. But this evening she needed the rain to hold off until she lifted off for the Mainland.
Excitement bounced through her veins. If she were a kid, it would be like summer vacation at the end of the school year for children. She headed for her daughter’s daycare center. A five day weekend and she would meet it straight ahead.
Plane reservations were set. They would spend her five day weekend with her in-laws. Two fun people who didn’t get to see their granddaughter often enough. Her in-laws Lisa and Mike Raines didn’t manage to visit often. Since the death of their son Justin, they’d only flown to the islands twice. The pain of losing Justin hurt all of them. That pain still hung on like a bad back.
She’d offered to bring them to Hawaii to celebrate but their remaining children vetoed the idea. Amy’s shock had diminished with a phone call from Belle, her sister-in-law. Belle wanted to let Amy know they were hosting a surprise anniversary party for Justin’s parents. She knew everyone would love for Amy and Chloe to come. Amy’s enthusiasm for the plan increased when she arranged for two days of leave to coincide with the Monday holiday and the Friday training holiday. This allowed her time to relax. Now she and Chloe had a flight scheduled out tonight.
Wheeling into the daycare’s parking lot, she slammed out of the car and headed for the entrance. The mental list of items to do ticked off as she hurried up the sidewalk. Her soft-soled combat boots made no noise as she double-timed it to the door.
Removing her hat and sunglasses as she entered she searched for Chloe. They’re supposed to have her ready and waiting. The time between now and departure limited to what she’d worked out earlier. She planned to rush home ditch the ACU uniform, grab their suitcases and head for Honolulu International.
Amy craned her neck to see if Chloe was in the open room down the hallway. She knew Noelani, the director, as the spouse of one of her fellow officers.
“Hey Noelani,” she stepped behind the screened print divider, creating Noelani’s office, greeting the director.
“Hi Amy,” the woman seated at her desk had short blond hair that gave her the look of a pixie. Right now she ran her hands over the top her head. Searching for her glasses Amy smiled and pointed.
My first overall comment is confusion...in these 481 words the writer has introduced seven (7) different people... and they all have names. So the reader, at least me, is struggling to keep track of who all these people are...for if they have names, they must be important to the story.
Although I assume it is late afternoon, as Amy is picking up her daughter, it could be noon, as I don’t know the age of the child I don’t know if it’s a pre-school or a regular school
Finally, most of this is background info and not needed... I really don’t care who her in-laws are, who her sister-in-law is... the only names and people I need to know are Amy, the daughter Chloe and possibly the director of the school Noelani...
Save all this other info for later in the story, let’s get into the action as soon as possible...
Now we were told by the author that this is a story about a kidnapping...so I’m going to assume it it the child... and that this is a mystery...so let’s get into it right away.
So I am NOT going to make any changes/corrections/edits in the scene, I’m just going to show you how I would have started the story.
**************************************************************Amy pulled up to the pre-school late, as she had to stop at the apartment and grab both suitcases and the plane tickets. (we know right away that they are going on a trip and it is a mother and child) Running into the building she noticed there were no other cars in the small parking lot. (give the reader a hint of the problem to come)
“Hey Noelani,” Amy found the director in the hall and greeted her warmly. “Sorry I’m late, where’s Chloe? We don’t want to miss the plane.”
“Chloe’s not here.”
“What?” Amy heart did a triple beat. “Where is she?”
“Her uncle picked her up.”
“Noelani,” Amy struggled to speak, “Chloe doesn’t have an uncle.”
*************************************************************
Becky - I am going a different direction. I like to keep the author’s voice present as much as possible.
Amy struggled to keep her foot from tapping the gas harder. Today’s weather rocked. Blue sky the type of blue that was so bright it hurt your eyes. The air was fresh (be specific – did it smell a certain way? Was it crisp or smooth on your skin?) and the temperature hovered in the low eighties.
One of the weather forecasters predicted rain tonight. (Delete- into the early morning. Amy hoped it didn’t affect her flight to the Mainland. (Delete this next part – not necessary) The trees and flowers of Hawaii absorbed the gentle rains and grew everywhere with ease. But this evening she needed the rain to hold off until she lifted off for the Mainland.
Excitement bounced through her veins. If she were a kid, it would be like summer vacation at the end of the school year for children. (hold off till later)She headed for her daughter’s daycare center. A five day weekend and she would meet it straight on. (delete ahead.
Plane reservations were set. She and her daughter Chloe would spend her five day weekend with her in-laws, Lisa and Mike Raines, two fun people who didn’t get to see their granddaughter often enough. Since the death of their son, they’d only flown to the islands twice. The pain of losing Justin hurt all of them. (Delete -That pain still hung on like a bad back.
(Delete the next paragraph – too much information. It can be handled with just a couple of simple sentences).
Now this long weekend promised some joy—a surprise anniversary party for Lisa and Mike. She and Chloe had a flight scheduled out tonight.
Wheeling into the daycare’s parking lot, she slammed out of the car and headed for the entrance. The mental list of items to do ticked off as she hurried up the sidewalk. Her soft-soled combat boots made no noise as she double-timed it to the door. (I like all these little details, they are telling us about her)
Removing her hat and sunglasses as she entered, she searched for Chloe. They were supposed to have her ready and waiting. Their time was limited and she still needed to rush home, ditch the ACU uniform, grab their suitcases and head for Honolulu International (delete - time between now and departure limited to what she’d worked out earlier.
Amy craned her neck to see if Chloe was in the open room down the hallway. She knew Noelani, the director, as the spouse of one of her fellow officers.
“Hey Noelani.” She stepped behind the screened print divider, creating Noelani’s office, greeting the director. (if you’re using an action tag, it must be a new sentence.)
“Hi, Amy.” The woman seated at her desk had short blond hair that gave her the look of a pixie. Right now she ran her hands over the top her head.
Searching for her glasses, Amy smiled and pointed.
My advice would be for the writer to tighten up the writing by watching for extra words she can delete, but I do like all the little details she is giving us. This is the beginning of the story so we want the story set up and since it is starting in Hawaii, I like the way she throws in information about the warmth, the blueness of the sky and I like that she paints a picture of what Amy is wearing. It gives us a better understanding of who Amy is. And while we don't need an overabundance of information, I'd like to know why she's taking a trip and where she's going.
